It's a bugger...

Hi guys!

Got the scan results today, rather unexpectedly when I arrived for 6th cycle, which I didn't end up having. (A relief!) Sorry to say, while they could be worse, they are not brilliant. There is no spread (yay!), but the tumours on my liver and in the surrounding nodes have gotten bigger, (boo!)

I must say, I was shocked. Although I had mentally prepared myself for that possibility, I didn't think  it would be quite that bad.

So, April 4 I start on a new drug to replace the Oxaliplatin. Ironotecan. No peripheral neuropathy, but the possibility of cardiac changes. So I'll have prophylactic Atropine. WTF!!? This is some serious shit!

Jane at Maggies in Cheltenham was brilliant. She said sometimes the first line drug doesn't work, and they have to move to the second line drug. Trouble is, I don't think there is a third line.....

So, I continue with the diet, the juicing, ( the anecdotal evidence is too strong), the herbs and most of all, the positive outlook. I can't and won't give up. There is something within me that refuses to. I'm certainly aware, now more than ever, that the original prognosis may be accurate, but I won't stop.

It's a bugger.

A Journey of downs as well as ups

Ok. Not such a great time.

Feeling tense, angry and generally f***ed off. I seem to be at loggerheads with everyone, including my lovely wife who is loving and long suffering and undeserving of any angry and moody temperament from me. Who else am I going to unload on but you guys, and Goodness knows you  don't need it either.

As we get closer to Friday and (very probably) scan results, I find myself increasingly irrational. Impatient. Short tempered. With myself. What happened? Has therapy taught me nothing?  I'm only just learning to be good to myself! How much love there is around me! How much love there is in me! Not thinking straight.

 Cancer Man Behaving Badly!

Some of it must be me; I can't blame everything on Toxic Chemo Brain! And all because I want positive change in my life. And that has been my goal of this Amazing Journey. To change myself, within and without. Restructure my molecules, as it were. Like a Tin Man a Metal Worker can bang about until he has a new form, one without so many kinks and flaws. A newer brain and a bigger heart, one that includes more for himself as well as others.

Cancer is that Metal Worker. He wields a big hammer;  sometimes the bashing gets heavy and uncomfortable. Relentless and unyielding.

That only makes me feel the same. I will never give in, never yield to the blows. I know that within me is a new life in bloom, and I think that has always been there;  a source, a well spring of uplifting awareness that will never allow me to quit. Like in Trainspotting, that rather too gritty film starring Ewan McGregor: "Choose Life,... Choose good health.." You can keep the, "...electrical tin openers...". Some things in my life I can do without.

But I'll keep the Life, thank you.

And I haven't even had the scan results yet.

Now I must go, I think I owe my wife an apology, and a cup of tea at the very least.

Thanks for listening, guys. Watch this space.

CT Scan today, or, I've got those Oxaliplatin Blues!

Just finished Cycle 5 this week. And to be honest, I'm feeling it. Toxic, that is. Oxaliplatin: the peripheral neuropathy, (juicing a lemon with ski gloves on!) sunburned-like face, (nobody told me about that one!) chemo brain, (first brought to my attention as a definite possibility by one of my work colleagues. Thanks Lynn, I would thank you in person, but I will have probably forgotten!) And of course the fatigue, ( is it time for my nap yet? Oh, just had one...).  Too listless  to even write and tell you guys about it.

But I have to today. I'm having a CT Scan this afternoon. ( sudden sharp intake of breath!)  I've had a funny pain on and off around my original op site. So I mentioned it to the Oncology Reg, who couldn't find anything to worry about but as I'm almost finished my (?first) course of chemo, thought it prudent to have a complete thorax and abdo scan. Of course it will show how things are progressing.

Or not.

I've moved on from biting my fingernails to considering biting my toenails. Despite weekly Tai Chi and  Iyengar Yoga sessions, I still can't manage it.

 I remain resilient and positive. My days are fairly quiet, with a bit of meditation, a bit of light exercise, vegan meals, ( what a great world to get involved in, the food opportunities are are fantastic, I've let my imagination run riot and am trying all sorts of new dishes. I try to have an interesting and tasty meal ready when Sara walks through the door. She walks this Journey with me, her commitment and love are like a beacon of light when things get a bit dark and fuzzy around the edges), and of course, the juicing. 1 to 1/5 litres a day. I'm growing wheatgrass and that gets thrown in as well. I've started sprouting seeds for salad, (also makes great juice !), and am attempting to grow micro greens as a tasty salad topping. There are trays of dirt and growing things all over the house. Yup, Sara is long suffering!

By the time I get my scan results, I will have probably have had my 6th and final cycle in this Round of Fun.

Should I cheer or should I weep?

Watch this space...