Ok. Not such a great time.
Feeling tense, angry and generally f***ed off. I seem to be at loggerheads with everyone, including my lovely wife who is loving and long suffering and undeserving of any angry and moody temperament from me. Who else am I going to unload on but you guys, and Goodness knows you don't need it either.
As we get closer to Friday and (very probably) scan results, I find myself increasingly irrational. Impatient. Short tempered. With myself. What happened? Has therapy taught me nothing? I'm only just learning to be good to myself! How much love there is around me! How much love there is in me! Not thinking straight.
Cancer Man Behaving Badly!
Some of it must be me; I can't blame everything on Toxic Chemo Brain! And all because I want positive change in my life. And that has been my goal of this Amazing Journey. To change myself, within and without. Restructure my molecules, as it were. Like a Tin Man a Metal Worker can bang about until he has a new form, one without so many kinks and flaws. A newer brain and a bigger heart, one that includes more for himself as well as others.
Cancer is that Metal Worker. He wields a big hammer; sometimes the bashing gets heavy and uncomfortable. Relentless and unyielding.
That only makes me feel the same. I will never give in, never yield to the blows. I know that within me is a new life in bloom, and I think that has always been there; a source, a well spring of uplifting awareness that will never allow me to quit. Like in Trainspotting, that rather too gritty film starring Ewan McGregor: "Choose Life,... Choose good health.." You can keep the, "...electrical tin openers...". Some things in my life I can do without.
But I'll keep the Life, thank you.
And I haven't even had the scan results yet.
Now I must go, I think I owe my wife an apology, and a cup of tea at the very least.
Thanks for listening, guys. Watch this space.
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